What if we're gods?

          I used to have a problem with stress eating.  My reaction to being stressed or bored was to eat until I felt sick.  I no longer have this problem.

          The problem is that I didn't do anything to fix it.  I moved into a new apartment last week, and bought a bunch of groceries.  I bought a lot of healthy food, which is something I would have done in the past since I don't like wasting money on things that aren't good for me.  I only buy unhealthy food in [lots of] small doses.  My expectation was that in two or three days I would get stressed out and go buy a pizza or something unhealthy.  Then I would give up on eating healthy altogether and just live off of pizza.  This is how it always played out in the past.  But not this time.

           I sit here now, very hungry and with nothing to stop me from at least getting a Subway sandwich.  Except I don't care to.  It's not as if I am trying to avoid eating fast food or anything unhealthy.  I simply have no desire to.  When I feel like it I'll get up and eat a grapefruit, or maybe some boiled eggs and a pear.  The only reason that I'm even aware that I was ever a dysfunctional eater is that I remember how I used to react in situations like this.

          There wasn't a solid cut-off point between the way I used to eat and now.  It wasn't an "aha" moment.  I didn't even know that I'd stopped being screwed up until I noticed that I wasn't going to get twelve inches of pepperoni and cheese foam.  I can't be excited or grateful, because I didn't feel anything change.  I may as well have always been like this, for how different I feel.

          That makes me wonder;  what if that's the secret to life?  What if one day I wake up and find that I have become everything I ever dreamt of becoming, except I don't notice until I actually go out and do it?  No incident or indication, just a new me that is capable of anything.  No exciting changes, no trumpets, no apotheosis, nothing at all.  I just walk out my door and forge a lightning bolt, and wonder why I remember ever being unable to do so.  Are we allowed to become gods without the ability to appreciate it?  Because I think the only way to become a god is to always have been one.

What was, is. What is, will be.

          Are you tired?  I'm tired.  Do you feel sick?  I have a headache.  Are you secure?  I am tens of thousands of dollars in debt, have a part-time job that I haven't even started yet that could end at any time, and resume that could get me a job at Starbucks but doesn't seem to interest anyone else.  Are you inevitable?  I am.

          I look around my room, a wasteland of half-unpacked junk that I've developed an emotional attachment to, and what I feel is that this is inevitable for me to become what I must become.  There is nothing perfect about me.  I'm a huge wad of clay, all potential and no actual.  I'm tired, in pain, disorganized, unmotivated, and basically without any redeeming characteristics beyond what I one day could be.  But what I will be is a function of what I am and what I was.

          There is no difference between me a year ago and me a year from now.  This mess around me, figuratively and literally, is the means by which I will become the man I am to be.  It's not something to be avoided or overcome.  It's a springboard into the future, where I will be far more than I could imagine right now.  I'm not afraid of my mess, because I know that it will take care of me.  It is my future, manifested here in the present where I can see it with my own eyes.  It will easily and naturally take me to the place where I belong, and the less I fight it the sooner I will get there.

          Normally, a mess is something to clean up, a nasty thing to be avoided at all costs and gotten rid of as soon as possible.  That's just destructive positivity talking, though.  In our society (or my society, at least), we are taught that our lives are supposed to be full of bright sunshine and clean floors.  Darkness and uncertainty are things to be avoided.  This is wrong, because darkness and uncertainty are as necessary to our development as sunshine.  Not only that, but we can't seem to get rid of them no matter how hard we try to look at shadows as if they were daylight.  I don't believe that positivity is necessarily a positive thing, nor do I believe that negativity is necessarily negative.  If my world is messy, I say let it be messy.  It will clean itself up if I let it.  Our lives are not guided by the thermodynamic principle of entropy;  a body, left to its own devices, often repairs itself.  If we stop picking at our wounds in an effort to get them to heal, maybe our lives can repair themselves too.

          As bad as my messy life is, I'm sure you feel like yours is worse, if only because you don't feel mine at all.  That's ok.  See, you're inevitable too.  You don't need to fight to go anywhere or to get out of anything.  You're already there.  Your mess is proof of that.  You may be going places, but those places have always been your own.  Unhappiness, uncertainty, and pain are not to be feared.  They are the harbingers of your future and they are here to help you.  Question is, are you ready to accept that, or do you need more help?