More Foolish than I'd Like

     I was an arrogant prick.  Well, I wasn't actually a prick, but I had a pretty high opinion of myself when I started this blog, if my previous posts are any indication.  It's been well over a year since my last post, and while my circumstances have not changed much, I'd like to think that I'm no longer the person I was then.
     I'm writing this, not because I have made some tremendous discovery that humanity must be made aware of.  Right now, I feel I want to share something, even if it's not worth sharing.  This will be more in the style of a diary entry than a blog post.
     I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to write here.  Writing is supposed to be a form of communication, but what do I want to communicate, and what don't I want to communicate?  Maybe I just want people to know that I want to communicate with them, without the burden of actually having anything to say.  But if I don't have anything to say, and I don't actually want to be around people, then why would I want to communicate with them?  For that matter, what is communication?  Can something be communicated when nothing is communicated?
     I haven't edited this, I haven't made it appropriate for public, and no one will want to read it if anyone even does.  I have a stream of consciousness, and I want other people to be aware, or to know that other people could be aware that my consciousness exists independent of the organization I provide it when I speak or write on or for the behalf of others.
     Underneath the organization, I have no control.  Things just come out of me, thoughts fly around in my head.  I can't see most of what's happening in or to my body, I can't understand most of what I see, and I can't be bothered with most of what I understand.  Normally, that narrow tiny little bit that I can see, understand, and be bothered with is what I'd like to think the whole world and all the people in it that bother with me see.
      But that's not true.  What they see and what I see may be totally different, even if we're both only looking at me, and we both may be right to see only what we see and not what the other sees.  If I don't see something, though, is it mine?  Does a trait belong to me if I'm not aware of it and don't want to be?  Is it alright to be a narrow tiny little bit?
      Maybe that's all I want, and am confused by all this complexity that doesn't seem to have anything to do with me, narrow tiny little bit that I am.  Is it even ok to be more than that bit, more than I think and know I am, more than I could possibly see or control or understand?  I don't know if I want to be more than I am, even if I am already.